2010-2015

My bones are beginning to get it. Last night an earthquake, 4.7 again but felt stronger (rumors are 4.9) really shook the house. At 1:35 am I was sound, sound asleep. I felt like I was some small ingredient in a frying pan being tossed or flipped–like a pancake, but many times, rapidly. I ran to the door and my friends appeared to be calm in the tent so I sat with the nannies by the wide open door. When I went back to bed, it shook again, not as strong, but enough to get me out of bed, again. I slept a few hours at the foot of the nannies bed so we could all be together, listening to one of  them try to call her little girl who was sleeping downtown, camped outside, with other family. She couldn’t call out and every time the phone ring, the call …

Woke up to a 4.7 earthquake at 4:30’ish this morning–I managed to fall back asleep shortly afterwards, as the persistence of the 4 walls around me and the ceiling above to remain walls and ceiling convinced me nothing would fall on me. I also really, really needed the sleep. I’m tired. There were several aftershocks and its been so painful to see distress levels elevate–several people ran to me after a particularly strong aftershock, pale, sweating, teary-eyed, terrified. We centered, using somatic psychology methods and supplies I am blessed to have because I live in an amazing, awake, caring and generous community (Thank you Santa Fe). Everything became an anchor today: post trauma stabilizer donated by The Flower Essence Society and arranged by my bestest friend Karen Brown, rescue remedy donated by Dr May Ting of Santa Fe, and lavender oils crafted by Christa Obuchoswki of Aroma Botanica. There was …

Today was a “day off” (whatever that means in this situation) and I spent it with dear friends who have just returned home after evacuating their children to schools elsewhere. I had planned to sleep a little longer than unusual, but awoke to the lovely sound of early morning rain…and as I began my habitual “snuggling” deeper into the comfort of my bed, I suddenly remembered where I was. Rain! Shit. Its pouring. I ran downstairs, crying, because I know many people sleeping on the streets, comforting children on the streets, every formerly open space in this city a sea of makeshift tents with little to no protection against the elements. I ask the my friends nanny if the rain is everywhere, crying, I ask what is everyone going to do in this rain? She replies that she has already called down to her children who live in a tent …

Its been a long day. When the word got out that I had returned I had non-stop sessions. People describe a weariness, a plateau of sorts, as they feel a bit more stability and yet continue to be surrounded by a city fallen down. “I go on because I must but its not easy.” Men, Women, children–all exhausted. How long can so many people remain exhausted and continue to clean up their home and try to rebuild their lives? The groundskeeper returned today and described a very long night because he felt the earth moving most of the night. At times he could not discern if the earth moved, or the memory of the earthquake “moved in his body.” Many people describe feeling the earth trembling and knowing that its not–that its inside their bodies. Dizziness accompanies this sensation. Back to the groundskeeper–he was again unable to sleep and this …

Touched down today at 12 noon, on the second commercial flight to land. I was meant to be here earlier, but many flights scheduled for today cancelled or made dramatic changes to departure time–my originally scheduled flight actually left 2 hours early! So, I missed it. Thankfully I found a seat on American Airlines. I have one thing to say after landing at the badly damaged international airport: Bless the US Air Force. Our arrival was very smooth, from circling while we waited for clearance, to being guided into the crowded airport to find a disembarkation place, and—for the first time in 12 years of landing here, a jet way met our plane! Despite the obvious destruction to the airport, we were led through a spotlessly clean, fresh brand new partial airport complete with signs in Kreyol and English, someone to guide us, an escalator, friendly USAF service members, the …

I arrived here yesterday to catch my flight home today. I envisioned relaxing at the pool before I returned to emails and my report. I sat by the pool but didn’t relax; there is way too much energy vibrating my body. Even though its the same pool I sat by before I went into Port au Prince, I was more aware of the large cement building right beside me—and what that might look like if it fell down. I’ve seen earthquake damage before, but not so recent. I am just now assimilating how vast the damage in Haiti is; that most of the buildings that have dotted that mountainous terrain, made the city a familiar place for me, are gone. Perception is such a subtle but profound influence on our view of, seeing of, understanding of, the world. It adds depth to meaning. It changes meaning. The demand for mental …

Just packed after a long day of what was meant to be writing, but ended up being many more sessions. Its humbling to be approached by so many people who do not usually access psychology; to sit with drivers, groundskeepers, cooks, managers, community organizers, accountants, and others who are willing to open up about things raw and frightening and distressing and very, very human. They are burning a lot now–trash, bodies, debris. Everyone of us coughs with a little wheeze. I walked again, today, with 4 beautiful prayer ties made by dear friends in Santa Fe. Found an elder mango tree, an old and earthquake fallen deciduous tree, a vibrant pink flowering tree, and a banana tree. Last night the woman who cooks and cares for my friends home and I lit the sweetgrass and sage and placed the first prayer tie on their land; today I placed them around …

Its the morning of my 10th day here. I depart tomorrow for the DR and a week + at home, to return here next week. I am noticing a strong pull not to go. Some of the people I have been working with cried when I told them I had to go home and tend to things there for a few days. “But when you’re here we can talk, we can let these things out, we can say whatever we want to say.” I am not fond of generalizing, and, having worked in community mental health here for many years, I have never heard so many heartfelt requests for “psychology” or “ti conse” (a little counseling). Haitians are resilient; they are accustomed to extreme challenges and to not only “mache” (moving on”), but laughing, dancing, finding the grace to accept big hardships. This time, the fear is overwhelming. We had …

Today I awoke early enough to meditate, and found myself holding my heart and crying. The pool of sadness is deep, deep, deep. We were encouraged yesterday by the emergency response logistics coordinator–who is an amazing person to have around–to walk around the neighborhood (we are near the Hotel Montana). We began a new project today with the local neighborhood–they formed a committee and are cleaning up the smaller debris which has blocked the road. I walked through the hot, dusty, stinky clean-up and whenever I spoke with someone and commented on the challenge of this work, they replied “nou oblige.” “We are obliged.” I have heard this many times–this is our home, our heart. We are here and we have work to do. Kembe la. We stand, we are strong, we endure. I walked to the Hotel Montana and, convinced I had taken a wrong turn (despite my having …

The internet connection is still spotty. I have begun exploring the area where I am working and there are still places where the smell of death permeates my nose. I believe there will be 1/2 million people dead–some never accounted for. How many restavek children or elder Marchan w/o a home or w/o people just disappeared? I have heard some strong evidence of resiliency and of spirit. In some communities, 45-100 families are all sleeping outside in a shared space, taking turns buying food for all, cooking, providing security. Those who still have jobs give more. I met several mental health professionals yesterday who came to a meeting I convened to begin to identify local resources for the many requests I receive for “trauma counseling”. They sat through the meeting and asked if I could meet with them afterwards. They asked if I could “evaluate them” to see how much …